Sometimes, living, I feel incredibly sorry for my life. Anger wells up. ‘Why did I end up living this life? What did I do wrong? What on earth happened?’ These thoughts torment me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As my mind gradually improves, my thoughts also become clearer little by little. Along with this, I begin to think more deeply about my life and my situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before, I couldn’t properly engage in deep thought. I could only feel fragmented emotions like, ‘Yes, life was good,’ ‘Yes, it’s a relief,’ ‘Yes, thank you,’ ‘Yes, thank you, teacher,’ ‘I was really good.’ Those were my basic emotional states. But now, little by little, I’m able to think about more things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the past, it’s no exaggeration to say that my mind, my thoughts, were absent. All I had were thoughts like, ‘Hmm… hmm… Is this home now? Yes… this is the hospital… Hmm… this is home… Hmm… hmm… Is this home now? Hmm… I remembered working before… Hmm… hmm…’ I knew I had injured my head, but I didn’t know ‘why’ or ‘how’ I got hurt. If Mom and Dad said something was good, I’d think, ‘Hmm, since they say it’s good, it must be a good thing for me too.’ If my wife said the kids were good, I’d think, ‘They must be good… Hmm, I guess I’m good too.’ But in reality, there were no thoughts. I clearly had thoughts, but I couldn’t confirm them or hold onto them. I kept trying to think, and even if I thought I had heard something, it would soon disappear. It was as if my mind had completely emptied out. I had a body but no mind, and if you said I was a person without thoughts, it would be accurate. Of course, I still have a long way to go, but my past self could be described as closer to a thoughtless monkey. Perhaps a monkey would be even more offended to hear that. I seemed to have even fewer thoughts than a monkey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But as my thoughts gradually returned, I was becoming more human, like a monkey evolving. And in that process, I began to think about my life and death. The thought of ‘I must die’ came strongly. Then, suddenly, even that thought disappeared again. And then my heart felt better again. This is how I spend each day, oscillating between life and death, despair and hope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes, living, I feel incredibly sorry for my life. Anger wells up. ‘Why did I end up living this life? What did I do wrong? What on earth happened?’ These thoughts torment me. As my mind gradually improves, my thoughts also become clearer little by little. Along with this, I begin to think more deeply … \ub354 \uc77d\uae30<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[15,22,36,18,16,19,23,21,20,24,17],"class_list":["post-217","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-chapter","tag-aphasia","tag-brain-damage","tag-cancer","tag-cerebrovascular-disease","tag-hemorrhage","tag-infarct","tag-ischemic","tag-language-disorders","tag-lesion","tag-recovery","tag-storke"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/217","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=217"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/217\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":428,"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/217\/revisions\/428"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=217"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=217"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ownslp.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=217"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}