“I must die. I should commit suicide.”
During my hardest times, this was the only thought that dominated my mind. I couldn’t think of anything else. People told me, “Think of your mom,” “Think of your dad,” “Think of your wife,” “Think of your sons,” but my mind at that time couldn’t accept any of it. Their words didn’t register in my ears or touch my heart. There was only the existence of ‘me.’
My heart ached so much; I was crushed by the pain, unable to think of anything else. When I decided to commit suicide, only the thought, ‘Don’t worry, just do it right away,’ controlled me. In that moment, the existence of others, or the sorrow they would experience, meant nothing to me. Only the desperate urge to escape this pain filled me. It felt as though my entire life had vanished, and my existence no longer had meaning. Everything I had diligently prepared for had become meaningless in an instant, and I couldn’t recall anything.
However, that period has passed now. Now, if other thoughts come to mind, I can no longer carry out suicide. When I think of my mom, my dad, my sons, and my wife, the thought of suicide ends. My heart is simply left feeling upset. If the thought, ‘Should I die?’ flashes through my mind, that’s the end of it. Now, if you, reading this, are also considering suicide, it’s already too late. If you now have room for such a thought, it’s already too late. Now, I just hope to study hard and become someone who improves little by little, who does well.
Yet, during my recovery, I also received a lot of hurt from those around me. This is different from the thoughts of suicide. Now, it’s not about ‘feeling like I’m going to die,’ but rather, I’ve been hurt by people amidst various painful situations. Not everyone can always maintain a good state. So, there are people who try to have good conversations with me, but their hearts and my heart are different, and we are different people… My mind becomes too complex, and as my thoughts and their thoughts diverge, my heart struggles even more.
Because I’m injured and can’t speak well, I feel almost like a different person. Although they are my closest family and always try to be good to me, sometimes my heart gets completely wounded. In those moments, I even momentarily think, ‘When I get healthy, I’ll get revenge.’ Even when consumed by such anger, I then turn inward and reflect on myself. ‘I must have been truly struggling,’ ‘I was wrong,’ ‘I’m an invalid,’ ‘I got hurt,’ ‘It’s my fault,’ ‘What is this… someone like this is my fault… it’s my fault… it’s my problem…’ I endlessly blame myself.
Then, it even reaches the thought, ‘If it’s my problem, I might as well have committed suicide; it’s dirty that I survived for nothing. I should have just died… Why did the hospital save me only to make me suffer this pain…’ But ultimately, at the end of all these thoughts, there are my mom and dad. Thinking of them brings a wave of apology. The thought of being sorry to my mom and dad makes me resolve to truly live properly again. It takes some time, but my heart truly changes greatly.
Nevertheless, I realize many things by thinking of my mom and dad concerning many things. When I was at my absolute worst, the targets of my screams and curses, when I truly felt I was going insane, were my mom and dad. I cannot express in words how much they endured for me, how grateful I am. The fact that I still have living parents is truly a great happiness for me. I hope they continue to be healthy. Thank you. I love you.
✅ Simple, Repetitive Word Practice – Speech Support (English)
- Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon
- Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle Bicycle
- Computer Computer Computer Computer Computer Computer Computer Computer Computer Computer
- Ladle Ladle Ladle Ladle Ladle Ladle Ladle Ladle Ladle Ladle
- Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry Strawberry
- Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza
- Dryer Dryer Dryer Dryer Dryer Dryer Dryer Dryer Dryer Dryer
- Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion Dandelion
- Calendar Calendar Calendar Calendar Calendar Calendar Calendar Calendar Calendar Calendar
- Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe
- Stamp Stamp Stamp Stamp Stamp Stamp Stamp Stamp Stamp Stamp
- Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant Eggplant
- Violin Violin Violin Violin Violin Violin Violin Violin Violin Violin
- Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly
- Chimney Chimney Chimney Chimney Chimney Chimney Chimney Chimney Chimney Chimney